Desperate Housewives' Wisteria Lane May Be the Most Dangerous Street in America

*Warning, spoiler from the most recent episode of Desperate Housewives*

I’m dispensing with my normal Desperate Housewives episode review this week in order to state the obvious: Wisteria Lane sure is a dangerous street. It may well be the most dangerous street in America . . . fictional America, that is.

After a small plane crashed onto the Lane in the recent episode and brought with it a wave of destruction and possibly death -- at the very least, it caused bloody injuries – I started thinking about how very unsafe this particular street in Fairview has been over the years. So I decided to go back through the six seasons of the Housewives and damn, there’s been a lot of violence, man-made and natural on Wisteria Lane including (in no particular order):

-- One suicide. (Mary Alice Young)

-- Three “attempted” suicides. (Danny Bolen, Katherine Mayfair, Edie Britt)

-- One fatal car wreck after the driver tried to avoid hitting a burglar running across the street. (Edie Britt trying to avoid Orson Hodge)

-- Two stranglings, one fatal (Martha Huber strangled by Paul Young) and one non-fatal. (Julie Mayer strangled, likely by her ex-lover/married man/neighbor)

-- Two housefires which devastated the homes. (Edie Britt’s and Susan Mayer’s homes, each at the hands of one another)

-- One mentally challenged teen was held hostage in his family’s basement, in chains, though his brother is the one who killed a teenaged girl, though his brother had been blamed. (The Applewhites, Caleb and Matthew, whose mother, at one point, considered euthanizing her challenged son.)

-- Accidental shooting in the shoulder of someone who was lurking outside of a living room window at night. (Katherine Mayfair shot by Susan Mayer outside Susan’s house.)

-- A massive tornado killed three people (Karen McCluskey’s friend Ida Greenberg, Adam Mayfair’s former lover and Gabby Solis’ second husband Victor Lang who, while fighting with Carlos Solis, was impaled in the chest by a flying fence post. Carlos was also blinded during the storm.)

-- A resident was arrested for keeping the body of her deceased husband in a giant freezer in her basement, although it was determined that he died of natural causes. (Karen McCluskey)

-- A pedophile (Art) moved into the neighborhood but was harassed by the neighbors into moving out of it after his wheelchair-bound sister died.

-- One person died from falling off a roof (Alma Hodge fell from a great height)

-- One person had a heart attack while on top of a roof (Handyman Eli Scruggs had a heart attack while fixing Susan Mayer’s roof.)

-- A man's ex-wife and his mother drugged him so his ex-wife could rape him in an attempt to get pregnant with his baby. (Orson Hodges at the hand of Alma Hodge and his mother Gloria.)

-- A woman had her soup drugged by her mother-in-law who planned to place the woman into a tub and slit her wrists to make it look like a suicide. (Gloria Hodge to Bree Van de Kamp Hodge)


-- A man had a heart attack after his local pharmacist tampered with his prescription medication. (Rex Van de Kamp)

-- A senior citizen was beaten up in her home by a mentally unstable teen living on the street. (Felicia Tilman was beaten up by Zach Young)

-- Woman accidentally murdered. (Mary Alice Young accidentally murdered the drug addict mother of the child whom Mary Alice had adopted and started to raise as her own.) Mary Alice’s husband Paul buried the body of the woman – Deirdre Taylor – in a toy chest in their backyard.

-- A man had a fatal tumble down a set of stairs leading to the basement. (A private investigator fell down a set of crumbling stairs in the Applewhite’s house leading to the basement where Caleb Applewhite was being held captive by his mother Betty.)

-- The street was home to teenagers who got into a hit-and-run accident (Andrew Van de Kamp) and who set fire to a restaurant (the Scavo twins)

-- A pedestrian was run down as she was trying to get into a cab. The accident sent her to the hospital where she was in a coma for five months. (Juanita Solis was struck by Andrew Van de Kamp)

-- An abusive ex-husband was shot and killed by his fearful ex-wife. (Katherine Mayfair killed her ex-husband Wayne who was threatening her)

Anything I left out? Would YOU want to live on this street?

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Monday: Careful the Things You Say

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.*

I’ll say this for the latest episode of Desperate Housewives, at least there was no Karl in it. That’s a plus.

I found this episode much more entertaining than other recent ones, with the exception of the whole who-strangled-Julie mystery, which I really could care less about.

Gabby’s homeschooling struggles with her ill-tempered child were well done, particularly when Gabby, who’d warned Juanita that if she didn’t study she’d wind up being a cleaning lady, willingly scrubbed floors so that her math PhD possessing housekeeper could tutor Juanita in fractions.

What I don’t understand is why Gabby’s had to go all I Love Lucy, doing stuff behind Carlos’ back and inevitably getting caught in spectacularly embarrassing fashion. Gabby can be very persuasive -- when she’s not whining -- so I don't understand why she’s agreeing to let Carlos control the purse strings. I thought that, especially in the wake of Carlos’ blindness and the time she spent caring for the family, that Gabby and Carlos decided to be partners and no longer have one spouse in a more senior position over the other. Apparently that’s all gone by the wayside.

The forced Bree-Angie catering partnership is like oil and water. Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly.Wall Street versus Main Street. What other polar opposites could I invoke here? But I do like the combo, very much so. Great potential. I like this pairing more than the Katherine-Bree duo. That was two upscale, Stepford Wife, Type-A perfectionists put together. They were too similar and not sufficiently interesting.

It was satisfying, in a very juvenile kind of way, to see Susan, a high school mean girl get her just desserts, by way of a Fairview police detective whom Susan used to tease (Susan accidentally gave her the nickname “Moose” in high school) who was investigating whether Katherine strangled Julie (at Susan’s behest). After learning that Katherine had a solid alibi, the detective arrested Susan for accidentally shooting Katherine and not reporting the incident to the police.

The big surprise of the night was that Angie knew that Nick had had an affair with Julie. After saying that neither of them can go anywhere because of some big, as yet unnamed mystery, Angie slugged him in the face. “I’ve put you through a lot, so you get this one,” Angie said to Nick. “But that’s it.”

Best line of the episode occurred when Carlos offered to pay for a housekeeper so that Gabby could fully concentrate on homeschooling Juanita. Gabby wanted a tutor instead. “You’d rather scrub toilets than teach your daughter?” Carlos asked.

“Well at least the toilet won’t talk back,” Gabby said.

Do you think Bree and Angie make an interesting pair? Why do you think Gabby’s allowing Carlos to call all the shots?

Image credit: Ron Tom/ABC.

'Desperate' Monday: Don't Walk on the Grass

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.*

Gabby Solis – who didn’t realize the Soviet Union had broken up – as a homeschooling “bad mom?” That unbelievable situation was matched only by Tom Scavo answering to the moniker of “T-Scav,” Bree Van de Kamp Hodge contemplating marrying a lying philanderer, one Carl Mayer, and Katherine Mayfair is continuing to act like a psychopathic stalker who’s apparently trying to wrestle every woman on Wisteria Lane.

Gabby the Homeschooler

Why is everyone always saying that Gabby’s a bad mother? Why is this a running thread, a joke carried over several episodes? What, seriously, is wrong with Gabby’s parenting? I want some specifics here people.

Sure, she swears sometimes, but so does her husband. (If swearing makes you a bad parent, then I’m in big trouble.) She can be impatient, as can her husband. (Ditto with me and a lack of patience.) She might be a little liberal with letting her kids play on their own around the house and get into mischief – like last week’s sledding down the stairs incident – but that just means she’s got a “Free-Range Kids” point of view on parenting and doesn’t think she should hover over her kids. Last week, when the man who promised to have a monkey perform at Juanita’s birthday party tried to renege on his agreement to play the party, Gabby didn’t want her daughter disappointed so she insisted that the monkey perform even though his owner said the animal was tired. Is that Gabby’s fault that the monkey went nutty on the clown, or is the monkey’s handler’s fault? The world, apparently, is blaming the mom on this one.

Yet the theme “Gabby’s a bad parent” is omnipresent, including in the latest episode where, when 7-year-old Juanita couldn’t pronounce the word “persecuted” during her elementary school’s Thanksgiving play and the girl then dropped the f-bomb while on stage. From the dictator principal’s point of view, the onus for Juanita’s use of blue language fell squarely onto Gabby’s shoulders, not on BOTH Gabby and Carlos. “If you want to assign blame, you might want to look at your dubious parenting skills,” the principal said. In response, Gabby dropped some f-bombs of her own and said she was withdrawing Juanita from the school, hence her unwilling foray into the world of homeschoolers when she and Carlos learned all the area private schools had no openings until the next school year.

Now I’ll give you that Gabby’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer (“The Soviet Union broke up?”) and is ill prepared to homeschool her daughter -- plus she shouldn’t be seeking affirmation of the quality of her parenting skills from her 7-year-old -- but she’s not a BAD mother. Jeez.

T-Scav’s On the Case . . . Or Not

Tom Scavo going by T-Scav, bringing home drunken puking college peeps, buying them kegs of beer and promising to get them pancakes following a “cut-throat game of beer pong?” Were these pieces of evidence pointing to a mid-life crisis? Nope, just a middle-aged man cutting corners in college (bribing the students who obtain the answers to the statistics exams) so he can get his degree and thrive in a new career to help support his growing family of soon-to-be six kids.

I’m kind of ambivalent about the whole Tom-is-cheating-in-statistics storyline, though I did take distinct umbrage to his likening Lynette not revealing her pregnancy to her boss to his cheating on exams. Lynette’s job is crucial to the family’s economic survival in a recession, which I suppose could be argued about Tom’s career. But Lynette’s situation isn’t comparable because pregnancy discrimination is a serious thing that happens to women, penalizes them for being pregnant when being pregnant isn't a bad, unethical thing, unlike knowingly cheating on tests when you've booted your studies.

Bree’s an Idiot

The facts: Carl Mayer cheated on his first wife, broke her heart, stole items he’d given her as meaningful gifts and later blamed her for “losing them,” urges his clients to break the law, openly ogles women’s breasts in front of his girlfriend, parks in handicapped parking spots without concern and re-gifted a supposedly cherished family heirloom with a lame line. So why in the world would Bree risk her friendship with Susan Mayer, risk her own heart with a proven cheater and thief and soil her reputation in Fairview? For good sex?

Please Knock It Off W/the Gal-on-Gal Tousles

Someone at Desperate Housewives must’ve received some kind of network memo that says, “Have more scantily clad chicks fighting. It’s great for ratings. The more cat fights, the better. Be sure to show cleavage.” Only such ugly cynicism could be behind the repeated scuffles between Katherine and other Wisteria Lane women: Fisticuffs which end with lingerie-clad Susan and Katherine wet and thrashing about in a bubble bath, Susan accidentally shooting Katherine in the arm while Katherine was wearing short shorts at the time and Katherine wrestling with Bree in a fully decorated wedding reception hall while they’re both wearing attractive dresses (which have been getting more and more revealing as the season has progressed).

Katherine’s become unhinged because the man she loves has returned to his ex-wife. She’s miserable. She’s angry. She’s heartbroken. WE GET IT. I had an inkling of hope that, like Katherine, the writers were going to finally “take the high road” and have Katherine be conniving and manipulative and smart about how she’s going exact her revenge on Susan and get Mike back. The whole you-should-have-me-over-for-brunch-so-I-don’t-sue-you bit was mildly amusing. But when she called Mike late at night, dressed in a nightie and sexed up her boudoir with candles, rose petals and champagne and then fought with Susan in the tub, I felt as though adolescent boys had started writing the scripts, trying to see how much humiliation with a twist of sex appeal they can create.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about “Don’t Walk on the Grass.” Do you think Gabby’s a “bad mom?” Is Bree being foolish? What do you think about Katherine impersonating a WWF wrestler?

Image credit: Ton Tom/ABC.

‘Desperate’ Monday: Everybody Ought to Have a Maid

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.*

“It is in our nature to judge those around us.”

In the opening scene of Desperate Housewives, we were handed the theme of the episode about our propensity to judge others yet not wanting to be judged ourselves. Gabby didn’t want her parenting judged by an overprotective helicopter mother. Bree didn’t want to be judged for having an affair by the housekeeping staff at a motel. Susan didn’t want to be judged by her neighbors as over-the-top jealous of Mike’s ex-fiancé Katherine's efforts to get him back. And Tom didn’t want to be judged by another guy for seeming to have no . . . walnuts.

I loved, just loved, the Gabby storyline this week about the virtues of good enough parenting versus smothering parenting. As Gabby poured herself a glass of red wine, she heard a thump followed by a yell. When she ran to the source of the sound, she found Juanita and her friend Rachel after they’d “sledded” down the carpeted stairs in an open suitcase. Gabby determined that the girls were fine just as Rachel’s mother entered the house, aghast that Gabby hadn’t been watching the girls’ every move so they’d never sustain so much as a scratch.

“You’re pretty cavalier given that your carelessness almost killed my daughter,” the mom said.

Gabby took the overreacting mother aside and told her she’d been a “wet blanket” since she quit smoking, to which the mother replied, “I think you’re a lousy mother.”

“Did you just say that to my face?” Gabby asked.

“Yes, and I’m afraid I won’t be bringing my daughter here anymore. The safety and well being of my child must come first.”

“Fine. Juanita only had Rachel over because she felt sorry for her,” Gabby said. “It was a pity playdate.”

The rest – the ostracization of Gabby by other mothers who were told their children aren’t safe at Gabby’s house, Gabby’s revenge by planning a killer birthday party that the kids begged their mothers to attend and the monkey-run-amok for which Gabby was blamed – wasn’t as funny as the first scene which opened the show and scored delightful points about hovering over one’s children.

What I irritated me somewhat about how this thread was concluded was, in the wake of the monkey-savaging-the-clown scene, Carlos said Gabby’s “negligence” had turned their daughters into self-sufficient, confident girls. Liked the point he made about raising strong children (as opposed to frightened and insecure ones) but not the part that labeled her as a bad mother for not keeping an unbroken eyelock on her kids.

Bree’s affair with Karl. *sigh* I just cannot get into this story, no matter how much I might want to, even when a wise member of the housekeeping staff offered herself up as a cautionary tale to Bree about the steep costs of infidelity. Karl is a snake. Susan is Bree’s friend and Susan’ll never forgive Bree for having an affair with Karl. And Bree knows this, therefore I’m having a hard time sympathizing or comprehending or caring much about Bree’s rationale for frequenting a cheap motel room -- which she called “our place” -- with the man who broke one of her good friend’s hearts.

Oh, and Susan shot Katherine. I want to take Katherine and shake her by both shoulders to put some sense back into her. This was a professional woman with culinary Bree-like skills and creativity, someone who had the courage to flee an abusive spouse and start a new life, and now she’s become completely unhinged by the fact that her fiancé went back to his first wife, the mother of their son, so much so that Katherin’s acting like a lunatic. One could understand deep disappointment, hurt feelings, humiliation, anger and the desire to get back at Mike and Susan for hurting her. But this has gone to crazy lengths, even by DH standards, watching Katherine unravel.

But to offset crazy Katherine, I was pleased to see the old Lynette and Tom resurface, even though they were only given minor face-time this week. Tom’s explanation to Karen McCluskey’s main squeeze Roy about why he allows Lynette to maintain the illusion that she calls all the shots in their home was that it makes her feel safe after growing up surrounded by insecurity and shouldering too much responsibility at too young an age. Sweet.

Do we care about the creepy Bolen family whose teenaged son gave Julie the gun which got into Susan’s hand and wound up being used to shoot Katherine? Or that Julie Mayer dumped the married Nick Bolen who has a son her age? Eh, not so much.

Your thoughts on “Everybody Ought to Have a Maid?”

Image credit: Danny Feld/ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Marry Me a Little

This was a much better Desperate Housewives episode than the recent lot of 'em, the ridiculousness of Bree breaking into her own home with Karl the snake notwithstanding.

The whole Tom Scavo STILL having a mid-life crisis story this week featured a new, interesting twist by having him, a man, worry about how his middle-aged looks would affect his potential employment opportunities. (That whole bit about Tom not knowing what Twitter was said more about Tom's connectedness with new marketing tools than the lines on his face.) The twist afforded us the chance to enjoy that great late night kitchen scene where Lynette tenderly traced the wrinkles on Tom's face and said they each told a story from their marriage, that his face was a map of their lives together. It brought a tear to my eye, even though I, like Lynette, wouldn't want someone to use my face to tell my life's story.

I also appreciated the Gabby story which contrasted her spending gobs of money on a crystal vase and pricey fabrics, with the fact that a friend of hers, who used to serve food on Tiffany china, was now in a soup line after she lost everything to pay for her dead husband's medical bills. (Gabby didn't even know the woman's husband had died.) It was the first time in a while that Gabby has mentioned or acknowledged that, not too long ago, she was doing whatever she could to keep her house and take care of her family, something the show's writers seem fond of ignoring. I'd love to see this angle pursued with more vigor, with Gabby's classic sardonic comments of course. Totally unrelated: What's up with her non-speaking younger daughter? We only ever hear about Juanita.

Those two bright spots outshone the dim ones, the aforementioned Bree-Orson situation and the now tiresome Dave Williams-is-out-for-evil-revenge story which promises to come its apex during the season finale on Sunday. (*fingers crossed*) I'm not sure where I sit on the Susan-Mike-Katherine love triangle front. I could take it or leave it.

As for the season finale, here's what I'm hoping for: Something resembling a decent plotline for the Scavos (kind of like a parting gift for the crappy season the actors have been given), Dave to depart Wisteria Lane (preferably in a straight jacket), Bree to just have Orson seen by a psychologist and for the Solises to resemble a family again.

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Bargaining

Let's get right to the point with this Desperate Housewives' wrap-up/review, shall we?

Likes:

-- The writers put a clever twist on the Susan-Mayer-gets-back-together-with-her-ex-painter-boyfriend. Jackson appeared in Fairview with no advanced warning after the two broke up months ago. The two had dinner at Susan's. Jackson abruptly asked Susan to marry him. She cut him off mid-sentence and fled to another room where, through a closed door, she proclaimed her unrequited love for him. Chagrined by her overly emotional response, Jackson told her, through the same closed door, that he was only looking to marry her so he won't be deported to Canada. He needed a green card. That made me laugh, for the first time in many a recent DH eppy. I was NOT expecting this. It has comedic potential, having Susan be thrice-wed.

-- Liked the Juanita/make-up storyline. I've been waiting for the writers to dive back into this subject matter, given that Gabby used to be a model and to her, appearance is of paramount importance.

After Carlos was blinded and he and Gabby had two kids, Gabby dropped her superficiality and focused on living a well rounded life. She didn't obsess over her looks and even willfully ignored the fact that her two daughters were a bit on the heavy side.

However -- as I've lamented many times here -- ever since Carlos regained his eyesight and landed a six-figure job, Gabby has returned to original form and forgotten that those hard days existed. She blew off her daughters' potential body and beauty issues, particularly given the fact that Gabby returned to the glam.

-- The sex-for-30-consecutive-days bit with Lynette and Tom Scavo was amusing at first. Those books about married couples having sex every day for a whole year really irk me. They don't take into consideration sickness and the unpredictable messiness of life. And that's what the writers were taking on here: The backlash against those who proclaimed that sex every day would rejuvenate a marriage. Having Lynette tell the Wisteria Lane gals that she'd return to their card game in the kitchen quickly -- because it wouldn't take long to satiate Tom, who was urging her to end the card game so they could get busy -- did elicit a chuckle.

The storyline moved into uncomfortable territory, however, when: a) It appeared as though an insistent and increasingly irrational Tom was considering having sex with an exhausted Lynette after she fell asleep, and 2) He appeared at Lynette's office one night when she had to work late and said they had to have relations on her desk during a conference call while Carlos was at an off-site meeting. Those scenes weren't funny. They were icky. And distinctly unsexy. Perhaps that's what they were going for, how having sex for consecutive days regardless of mood just because you made some agreement ISN'T sexy. If so, then they succeeded.

Dislikes:

-- Dave Williams WAS an intriguing, angry, potentially sinister dude. Liked the way Neil McDonough played him at first. Now? Don't care. Don't care how he's plotting to get back at Susan and her second ex-husband Mike Delfino and possibly their son MJ.

-- Have also lost interest in Bree Van de Kamp Hodge getting angry and wanting to divorce creepy thieving ex-con Orson. The fact that she turned to Susan's first ex-husband, the cheating, untrustworthy Karl to be her divorce lawyer (and the previews for next week show them BREAKING INTO a house while clad in all black), is just silly. Why?

-- Katherine putting MJ up to interrogating Mike during breakfast about whether he'll ever pop the question was so very desperate and sad. When Katherine first appeared as a show regular, she was so confident, showing Bree up with her perfect pies. Now Katherine is a shadow of her former self. That's too bad.

Well, DH fans, what did you think? What are you hoping to see in the season finale?

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Rose's Turn

Maybe it's because I was spoiled by three consecutive days of thrilling baseball in the form of the Boston Red Sox kicking the New York Yankees' collective behinds. Ground rule doubles. Fastballs at 99 mph. A grand slam. STEALING HOME PLATE. What's better than that?

Maybe it's because HBO's In Treatment (which I'm going to write about in a separate blog item) is so gripping and exquisite, even when you're watching nothing but people talking.

Maybe it's because many other TV shows have been so good lately, such as Lost, Rescue Me, House, The Office, experiencing a rebirth of sorts with Michael's upstart company. (I'm currently irritated that Grey's Anatomy has become a showcase for dead and dying kid scenes. Seriously, as the mom of young kids, I can't take these kinds of scenes each week. I'm begging ya Shonda, please have Dr. Bailey get out of pediatrics, NOW!)

Whatever the cause, I do know that I've lost my Desperate Housewives' mojo. I've been writing about the show on this blog after each new episode but have been rapidly losing interest, despite the fact that the show's continuing to get good ratings. I, personally, don't find it a "must-see" anymore. Stories are becoming repetitive, characters too predictable.

How many times is Bree going to be betrayed by her husband/lover? (Rex cheated. The creepy pharmacist guy wooed Bree after killing Rex. Orson swooped in, knowing full well he'd already tried to kill Bree's neighbor Mike. I could go on and on here. Bree's unlucky in love. We've got it. But how many times are we going to see her go to war with the man who she once loved?)

How many episodes are going to feature the theme that people routinely hide things from one another? (Wasn't that the theme of the pilot episode, that Mary Alice was hiding her pain when her life looked pristine and perfect from the outside just before she committed suicide? Katherine "confessing" that she was hiding her desire for Mike to commit to her? Duh. Of course she'd want commitment. It would be out of character for her not to.)

How many times are we going to witness one spouse get jealous of another? (Tom getting upset that Lynette took a shower at the office? Like Lynette's really going to cheat on him with Carlos. Tom is feeling emasculated -- AGAIN -- because Lynette is working and comes home tired and uninterested in sex. Tom's looking to validate himself, make himself feel better. Why not have him buy a midlife crisis-mobile. Oh, wait. Already did that. How about have him join a rock band? Did that too. Flirt with a horny neighborhood housewife? Now he can check that off his list.)

Bah!

So now, if the heavy-handed foreshadowing at the end of this episode goes where I think it's going to go, we're going to see nutty, lying Dave try to kill Susan and Mike's son in order to pay Susan back for accidentally killing Dave's first wife and child? An injured or dead/dying kid, what is this, Grey's Anatomy? Good grief. Maybe they should just call an end to the season right now so the writers can re-group.

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: A Spark. To Pierce the Dark

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the recently-aired Desperate Housewives.*

Desperate Housewives is getting . . . what's the phrase, too cute by half? ABC promised a "shocking" incident during the latest installment of the tales of the Wisteria Laners. Technically, they fulfilled their promise. Edie was literally shocked by a damaged power line after she smashed her car into a utility pole in an accident caused by the creepy Orson Hodge. (What's it with this guy and car accidents anyway? Does this mean DH will recycle an old storyline and have Edie be in a coma and lose her memory a la Mike Delfino?)

The official show web site says Edie was "electrocuted by a downed wire" so I guess we're supposed to take it that she's dead. Emphasis on the word "guess," because we all know Nicollette Sheridan is leaving DH at some point soon. But a New York Post writer wonders if this is going to be a not-quite-dead-yet trick. God, I hope not.

I, for one, wanted BOTH Katherine Mayfair and Edie's characters to be shown the exits. I've grown tired of them both. Alas, I think we're still going to have Katherine Mayfair to kick around some more, unless of course psycho Dave "Dash" Williams decides he simply must forge ahead with giving Mike the ultimate payback for accidentally running down and killing Dave's wife and daughter. Hopefully, Mrs. McCluskey will come to the rescue, as the only other person who knows about the fact that Dave lost a child. She's the one character who's remained fairly consistent on this show.

As for the ski-masked Orson, to quote 30 Rock's Liz Lemon, "What the, what?" When we were first introduced to Orson Hodge way back when, I used to routinely refer to him on another blog I was writing at the time as "Creepy Orson Hodge." His whole odd marriage to Bree rested on a bed of lies and weirdness, until Bree discovered the truth (that Orson ran over Mike with his car and put him in a coma), and forced Orson to turn himself in. Post-jail, Orson seemed as though he'd been tamed, like a kind, family dog whose wild, stubborn ways had been curbed. He wasn't so creepy anymore. He was just a guy who would go out to the patio and grill for his guests while drinking a beer. Then the stealing began two episodes ago, (though preceded by an odd incident when he insisted Bree make him a roast in the middle of the night) after he inexplicably demanded to be paid like a partner and grew enormously jealous of Bree's success. Now he's back to being Creepy Orson again. Nice Orson was just a blip apparently.

I am growing weary of this back-and-forth. The Orson-Bree marriage seems to be on the brink of divorce all the time, that is when they're not having sex on the test kitchen's counter, as they did back at the beginning of the season. When Bree rebuffed his demand to sell her lucrative business in order to return to being a housewife (What financial sense does that make, considering the ex-con can't get a dentistry gig?), Orson's now going to run around Wisteria Lane wearing a ski mask and stealing trinkets?

The last item that bugged me was the whole Lucy-taking-over-the-office-like-a-maniac business. She demanded that everyone, including Carlos, start logging all manner of crazy hours, nights, weekend, in order to land a $10 million account. She told employees, like Lynette, that she didn't care what kind of family or non-work commitments they had, they had to cancel everything or forget about keeping their jobs. Meanwhile, Carlos, the boss, cowered and obeyed, putting a huge crimp in his home and sex life. Why? He was the boss. He could've said, "No." At least the writers were wise enough to have Gabby point out that he was repeating the work-a-holic behavior that ruined their marriage the first time around. Somehow, this comment -- plus witnessing lunatic Lucy in action deriding a janitorial worker -- snapped Carlos out of his haze and gave him the stones to finally say, "No" to 24/7 work days.

On a positive note, the best moment from the new episode: Gabby and Tom gossiping over coffee. Loved that scene.

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: The Story of Lucie and Jessie

So Desperate Housewives last night glossed over the absurdity that was the battle between the depressed Tom Scavo and his wife Lynette after their family pizzeria went belly-up over who should seek a PR/marketing job in order to support their family of four. They just pretended that the whole Tom-guzzling-the-beer-on-the-front-lawn-in-his-bathrobe never happened.

Okay. I'll go along with this just as long as we can pretend that the Lynette of the past two seasons never really happened. If the Lynette character can regain her previous mojo, I'm willing to forget the bad years. Whaddya say DH writers?

But the Orson-is-a-kleptomaniac storyline? I liked him better as a sad little sack of a husband trying to redeem himself after doing time in the Big House. I preferred the middle-of-the-road Orson to the creepy Orson from last season or this new disturbed Orson. What is it with Bree Van de Kamp Hodge that she attracts nuts, like the killer pharmacist and now Orson, who nearly killed Mike Delfino when he intentionally ran him down and has now resorting to stealing things from his neighbor to keep his control freak of a wife unhinged?



Speaking of crazy, please tell me that I didn't witness the foreshadowing of Katherine Mayfair's murder at the hand of Dave Williams on the camping trip? (It was about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the forehead. However if the writers DON'T go down this road, I'll be pleasantly surprised.)

And, I feel compelled to comment on the much ballyhooed gal-on-gal kiss between Gabby Solis and Susan Mayer. What a publicity stunt. A cheap, disingenuous one at that. It reminded me of the misleading promo ABC ran for Brothers & Sisters when they claimed that during the show's two-hour extravaganza would feature a shocking death. That was technically correct, if you go to the Bill Clinton school of what constitutes the truth. Rob Lowe's character Robert McCallister did flatline during a heart attack, but he was revived in the Emergency Room. I felt totally sandbagged again by ABC last night. I think the DH writers are done a disservice by such disingenuous ABC promotions, using the "I Kissed a Girl" tune. . . maybe they need to hire Lynette.

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Mamma Spent $

Desperate Housewives' writers deftly told stories about the Wisteria Lane ladies through the lens of economics this week on a very micro scale. 'Twas a very timely, money-centric episode which examined money, or lack thereof, from different perspectives.

On the big bucks, high roller side was Bree Van de Kamp Hodge who -- now that her first cookbook is in its second printing and she's secured a multi-book deal with her publisher -- bought a beautiful new Lexus that can park itself in the driveway and has a mini-fridge which Bree said was big enough for a bottle of champagne, never mind the small detail that Bree's an alcoholic. I suppose it could be sparkling water she places in the fridge . . .

There was also the back-on-top-of-the-world Solis family, complete with Gabby Solis who, much to my chagrin, has returned to her glam designer duds after she pressured Carlos into taking a job he didn't want simply because she wanted money again. (I happened to agree with Edie Britt when she told Gabby that she liked her better when she was poor and paunchy.)

On the just-scraping-by side were Lynette Scavo, who's family pizzeria is faring so poorly that Tom had to sell his midlife crisis mobile for the cash, and Susan Mayer, who wanted to send her son to a private school because he's getting lost academically in his public school, but couldn't afford the recent tuition increase.

I admired the way the writers had Lynette and Susan cope with their financial woes. After Bree insisted on giving Lynette $20,000 (Bree felt badly about gushing over her new ride after learning that the Scavos were broke), Lynette wisely called the money a loan and promised to pay it back. Their brief flirtation with Bree serving as a 15 percent investor in Scavos Pizzeria went over as well as sprinkling heavily processed, powdered Parmesan cheese onto one of Bree's famous four cheese pizzas.



After a silly scene where Susan tried to steal what she thought was a real pearl necklace that Katherine Mayfair received from Mike Delfino, the father of her child who said he was strapped and couldn't afford to chip in any more money for their son's private education, Susan became relentlessly self-reliant. Susan told the school's headmaster that she'd be willing to take a job, any job at the school in order to qualify for half-price tuition for children of employees. Impressed by her pluck, the headmaster offered her a post as a teaching assistant in an arts class, a job for which he said she was overqualified. (Ever notice how we're hardly ever shown Susan at work as a children's book illustrator?)

Did you like this money episode, or are you of the opinion that with all the dire economic news we read and see every day, you don't want to see it in your entertainment?

'Desperate' Mondays: The Best Thing That Ever Could Have Happened

(*Note: I was on vacation last week. The most recent episode was re-aired last night, so it's still a "Desperate" Monday.*)

Put aside the gimmicky camera angle used five times during the most recent Desperate Housewives episode -- where the camera would focus on a wistful looking actress' face then slowly maneuver rotate around the back of her head -- the overall message and anecdotes in the episode demonstrate one thing: The newer episodes (with the exception of Gabby Solis' storyline) have strayed from the original charm of season one.

The new Housewives installment used a new character's death as the launching pad for the Wisteria Lane ladies to reflect upon how this scruffy character -- a handyman named Eli Scruggs (Beau Bridges) who died of a heart attack while working on Susan Mayer's roof -- positively affected their lives.

Gabby recalled how Eli helped get her into the Housewives' exclusive weekly poker game. After she behaved atrociously, Eli told her to snap out of it and apologize. The scene where Gabby, who was new to the neighborhood, apologized for her behavior and admitted she was "lonely all the time" with Carlos' late nights and needed friends, cut to the quick.

Ditto for the Lynette Scavo scene where, after giving birth to her fourth child, she accidentally left the baby in the car because she was too focused on her cell phone call where she was negotiating her return to work. Handyman Eli heard the baby crying -- where the car windows were rolled up -- and took the baby out, returning her to Lynette who was still on the phone. Upon seeing that she'd forgotten her baby because she was distracted by the work call, Lynette seemed shaken. She wore a look with which many harried parents could relate. This was a character with whom parents could identify, unlike the current wretched, Lynette storylines involving crazy murder charges and coercing a twin to impersonate another in court.

Bree too was assisted by Eli when he salvaged the beginnings of Bree's cookbook from the garbage. She'd dumped her notebooks into the trash after her husband Rex dismissed the project as "foolishness," that was after he'd berated her for not having a paying job. Once Rex died, Eli returned Bree's notes to her and the cookbook later became a huge success.

When Desperate Housewives started, it focused on the quietly desperate lives of suburban women who were largely unhappy despite the fact that it appeared to the world as though they had it all in their nice, orderly neighborhood behind the picket fences on Wisteria Lane. It sharply satired perfection, in particular with Bree's character. But these days, the show is all over the place. It does far better when it focuses on smaller stories, like it did in this episode, which I thoroughly enjoyed, particularly for how it closed the loop and showed how Eli got his do-gooder start (a reaction to his failure to help Mary Alice Young on the day she committed suicide when he knew she was unhappy). If the rest of the season follows suit, I'll be a rejuvenated Housewives fan.

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Home is the Place

The gals of Wisteria Lane are back from their Christmas hiatus. And back they're back with a . . . whimper. A pathetic whimper.

Seriously, I was sorely disappointed with the fresh episode of Desperate Housewives.

Gabby and Carlos Solis, the comedic shining stars of the show's fifth season were, eh, not a good sign. Now that Carlos has regained his sight, are the writers really going to have the characters slip back into their old ways , returning Gabby to her shallowly materialistic former self? What I've adored about Eva Longoria Parker's character this season is that she's developed a sarcastic, witty sharpness as she awkwardly tossed herself into a new way of life, one not marked by glamour and opulence, but by caregiving. Who knew she had it in her?

By having Gabby pressure Carlos into taking a six-figure job he despised -- he wanted to work at the low-paying community center helping the blind -- and punctuating that decision by having her place shiny, gold shoes into her giant closet, I felt as though the character was going backwards to a time and place when her story was among the least compelling of the Housewives, or minimally tied with Susan Mayer's.

And poor Bree Van de Kamp Hodge was reduced to a caricature of a controlling in-law-to-be -- adding not a hint of irony nor insight into her character -- by engaging in a competition with the nut job mother of her son Andrew's fiance. Buying a house in her pricey neighborhood in order to keep her son in town and away from the loony mother-in-law? And savvy Andrew, who knows his mother all too well, didn't see through it? Come on people, you can do better than this.

The bottom of the barrel, as far as the latest episode was concerned, was Susan's story. The writers appear to be laying the groundwork for having her break up with her lame painter boyfriend (the actor playing him -- Gale Harold -- had a very serious motorcycle accident in October). Susan went clubbing with her neighbor at a gay bar and then, many, many drinks later, fail to recall whether she slept with him. (She didn't and he returned the following day to the home he shares with his partner next door.)

No, wait, I take that back. Susan's clubbing wasn't the absolute worst part of the new episode. That honor belongs to the sad, sad Scavos. Are we really supposed to believe that Lynette Scavo was going to intentionally run down the man who had threatened her son, going all Orson Hodge on him? (Yes, we've already seen someone vindictively run over someone with a motor vehicle in a previous season.)Even if Lynette was simply acting as though she'd kill the husband of her teenaged son's lover in order to coax the teen's location out of his brother, this story is growing more and more absurd. At this point, I have no interest in what happens to the Scavos.

The new year is not off to a roaring start.

Interesting tidbit: Anyone notice that a second Six Feet Under alum appeared in Desperate Housewives this season?

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: A Vision's Just a Vision

Lynette Scavo and the Scavo family, they're dead to me. The places their storyline is heading no longer hold interest for me. It's not even campy nor does it provide any form of satire. So onto the brighter spots from the last episode of Desperate Housewives:

Carlos Solis has now regained his sight and, in latest episode, could clearly see for the first time in five years how much Gabby has sacrificed for her family, her couture clothing, her $700 shoes, her fine art and pricey possessions. While that may not seem like a big sacrifice in today's climate of losing 533,000 jobs in the month of November, but in terms of Gabby's character giving up everything that meant so much to her -- her beauty, her fashion, her dignity (dancing atop a table in order to get back Carlos' prized Lou Gehrig baseball) -- for her daughters and husband, was a sign of her evolution.

In keeping with her character, I hope that Gabby doesn't return the gorgeous dress Carlos bought for her in recognition of her sacrifices, even though most people in her position (and economic situation) would.

While I continue to despise the Mike Delfino/Katherine Mayfair pairing, I do like the twist the writers put on it this week, showing the impact of their budding relationship through the eyes of MJ, Mike and Susan Mayer's young son. There has always been a lot of bed hopping on Wisteria Lane, but precious little attention has been paid to how that affects the kids of the bed hoppers. Seeing MJ act out -- throwing ice cream sundaes and bowling balls at Katherine -- rang true.

Bree Van de Kamp Hodge continues to surprise me this season. Her reaction to her son Andrew's engagement to a male plastic surgeon (who once did a porn flick to help pay for law school) also showed her character not simply evolving, but staying true to who she's been over the past seasons. The image of Bree in an adult video store: Priceless, without even having to be shown on screen.

Kudos to the writers for the big reveal at the end at the grave site. Dave's character is definitely growing on me, even though his storyline is connected to the Scavos'.

Am I the only one who's really loathing the Scavo family story this season? Thoughts about the Delfino/Mayfair duo?

'Desperate' Mondays: Me and My Town

First some Desperate Housewives love.

I just adore this season's Gabby and Carlos Solis storyline. While still maintaining the characters' integrity (Gabby, while in a lower tax bracket, hasn't lost her lust for all things luxurious), the writers have allowed this couple to evolve and mature in ways that I think are thoroughly entertaining and ring true to who they are.

So when doctors said Carlos could have an operation which could give him his sight back after five years of blindness, it was a brilliant move to have Gabby freak out because she's gained weight after having two kids. (However I must say, that Gabby has the most realistic female form on the show these days and doesn't look heavy to me, as compared to the real women I see everyday. I was noticing last night that nearly every woman on this show now looks gaunt, even former Everymom, Felicity Huffman, who was lookin' scary gaunt.)

The best moment of the latest episode occurred when Gabby came clean and told Carlos she didn't want to let him down when he regained his vision because she'd put on some pounds. Carlos related a beautiful anecdote about how he first fell in love with Gabby during a dinner when she gorged on a plate of ribs, got barbecue sauce all over herself and belly-laughed when Carlos told her she was a mess. During that meal, he said, he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, listening to her laugh and live life with gusto. In true Gabby style, she replied to the romantic sentiment by saying that she only knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him after he related that story, "Up until then it was touch-and-go."

Perfect.

Now for the Desperate Housewives dissin'.

I really dislike the Katherine Mayfair/Mike Delfino story. Zippo chemistry. It's crystal clear that the pairing is just another in a series of road blocks standing in between the inevitable reconciliation of Susan Mayer and Mike. The Katherine character deserves more.

And as for my formerly favorite housewife, Lynette Scavo, she's in danger of becoming a cartoon character. What was once one of the sharpest characters on TV, Lynette is teetering on becoming unwatchable. The latest story about her teenaged son Porter who hooked up with a married mom (and did/didn't impregnate her, don't know if I believe the mom that she's not really pregnant, could be a ploy) who's now being suspected of starting a fire which killed seven, doesn't really move me one way or another. I feel like she was phoning it in.

I'd rather see more of Gabby and Carlos, or even Orson and Bree Van de Kamp Hodge. I was not a fan of Orson when he first appeared on Housewives, but I've warmed to him, and to how he plays off Bree, this season. They've delivered some funny scenes, particularly last night's drugged-up cooking session at the mall and the subsequent visit to the doctor's office. They're on a roll.

Now if only the rest of the Wisteria Lane folks could keep up with the Solises and Hodges . . . .

'Desperate' Mondays: City on Fire

The latest episode of Desperate Housewives featured two obviously ill-fated relationships, one count of brutal spousal battery, one murder, one case of arson that killed a half-dozen more people, and one thinly veiled threat to an unconscious Mike Delfino (how much time has this guy spent unconscious on this show?). Too much for one episode? I can't decide, though I'm leaning toward a "Yes." While on the one hand, DH is known for its over-the-topness, sometimes too much over-the-topness can poison the glorious satirical effect it's trying to achieve.

It's one thing to continue to deepen the mystery behind the menacing Dave Williams, but it's another to have him kill a renowned psychiatrist with his bare hands in a supply closet and then intentionally set a fire to cover up the murder, thus killing more people. (How many fires does this make for DH over the years? Edie Britt's house. Susan Mayer's house. Am I missing any?) I do, however, like the notion of turning Dave into an anti-hero after he went into the burning nightclub to save people.

But the fire scene disturbed me because I live in New England and still clearly remember the fatal nightclub fire in Rhode Island that killed 100 people in 2003, many of whom became trapped inside after emergency exits were locked, as they were in the fictional DH nightclub in the recent episode. I wished the DH fire hadn't been located inside a nightclub while a band was playing, but maybe that's just me.

Meanwhile, May-December romances were curiously rampant along Wisteria Lane. Twentysomething Julie Mayer brought home a thrice-divorced fortysomething professor with a penchant for bedding young women. (Mom Susan Mayer tried to thwart his wedding proposal, but Julie did that on her own, saying that she was never getting married because marriage never led to happiness for the twice-divorced Susan, so the institution was pointless.)

Teenager Porter Scavo and fortysomething mom Anne Schilling continue to be a couple, plus Schilling's still pregnant with his child and now in the hospital recovering after being beaten by her husband, the nightclub owner, after he learned about the affair. However if Porter, who was seen toting a pistol, actually shoots Anne's husband, I'll be disappointed. A shooting would be too easy an out for this situation. There'd be a trial, Lynette Scavo would mount a mama bear defense, etc. It could easily become unbearable.

I continue to admire the evolution of the Bree Van de Kamp Hodge character, a blend of brittle perfectionism covering for a deeply vulnerable, wounded inner soul. It was a great touch to have Bree be interviewed by a hard-hitting reporter who dug up info on the sordid turns in Bree's life (such as Bree's alcoholism, her deceased husband's unfaithful dedication to bondage with someone else's wife, her gay son who previously lived on the streets, her current husband's incarceration). My favorite moment of the episode arrived close to the end, when Bree said that her old fashioned homemaking/cookbook wasn't meant to make other women feel inadequate, as the reporter had suggested, but was meant to offer them the chance to control some part of their lives (cooking, homemaking) and make it good when everything else is crumbling around them. The scene, along with last week's with Bree and Orson on the test kitchen counter, humanize her.

Your favorite moments from the recent episode? Love or hate the use of the nightclub fire as a plot point? Predictions?

Image credit: ABC.

Introducing, 'Desperate' Mondays

I'm already in Mad Men withdrawal and am trying to figure out how I'm going to fill the void left by the exquisite equivalent of the dark, independent film I've been watching each Sunday evening since July. But fear not. I've come up with an idea. While it's going to seem like forever until we get fresh episodes featuring Don Draper & Co., I've decided to blog weekly about the exploits of the ladies of Wisteria Lane, the Desperate Housewives.

I know, you're saying, "Desperate Housewives doesn't hold a candle to Mad Men." Which is true. No show on TV, except maybe Lost, is comparable to the Matt Weiner masterpiece.

Or maybe you're thinking, "That show is sooo five years ago." (During the days when it snagged two Golden Globe awards for best comedy and offered stellar suburban satire.)

But, in case you haven't noticed, DH has been undergoing a comedic revival this season. The let's-vault-five-years-into-the-future stunt has paid off as the show has regained some of its season one mojo. In the past few weeks, we've seen the once glamorous Gabby Solis transformed into an "everymom," very much dressed down as she's busy raising her two daughters, including one with a weight problem (the one who recently walked in on Gabby and hubby Carlos having . . . relations, or, as they told her, "wrestling"). Lynette and Tom Scavo have struggled with their troublesome teens. Bree Van de Kamp Hodge has emerged as an up-and-coming Martha Stewart, complete with a disintegrating home life. Susan Mayer, freshly divorced (her second), is having difficulties raising her young boy while trying to date. (Read my review of this season of DH here.)

Starting next week, Mondays at the Suburban Mom: Notes from the Asylum will now feature regular Desperate Monday installments, where we can dish about America's premiere suburban moms, only with a satirical twist. Looking forward to reading your comments.

Image credit: ABC.