A Teacher with a Funny Bone

I adore a teacher with a sense of humor, but, sadly, teachers and parents aren’t given much of a chance to exchange humorous pleasantries beyond, “Hey, isn’t it funny that my kid had to borrow $2 from you for lunch the other day because he forgot his lunch money on the kitchen table?"

Therefore, I didn’t exactly expect witty sarcasm when I opened my third grader’s Open House packet for parents – where the school informs us about all manner of things that occur in a third grade classroom in our town – and found a purple paper entitled, “School Homework Policy,” bearing an orange, happy-faced sticker.

At first, I groaned. “Great,” I thought. “More lectures on how I need to allot all of my post-school waking hours to guide my kids through the labyrinth of their assignments. More dunning words on how if I fail to help my children, if I absentmindedly forget to sign off on the homework assignment sheet, if I neglect to write (in a timely manner) a cheery note in my kids’ weekly notebooks, my children will be banned from recess and be forced to clean the cafeteria floor with a toothbrush.”

It began thusly: “Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night on homework. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:”

“Oh boy,” I thought, “here we go.”

• 15 minutes looking for the assignment
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
• 8 minutes in the bathroom
• 10 minutes getting a snack
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment

When I finished laughing, I handed the purple paper to The Spouse. He asked me if I’d also read the directions for “Long Term Assignments.” I hadn’t, so he urged me to read on:

“These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name ‘long term.’ It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30 p.m. and ends at 11:50 p.m. – or later. It is important that the whole family be involved in the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to Wal-Mart or K-Mart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (does not have to be the student).”

I think I’m going to like this teacher. We speak the same language.