'Desperate' Monday: Don't Walk on the Grass

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.*

Gabby Solis – who didn’t realize the Soviet Union had broken up – as a homeschooling “bad mom?” That unbelievable situation was matched only by Tom Scavo answering to the moniker of “T-Scav,” Bree Van de Kamp Hodge contemplating marrying a lying philanderer, one Carl Mayer, and Katherine Mayfair is continuing to act like a psychopathic stalker who’s apparently trying to wrestle every woman on Wisteria Lane.

Gabby the Homeschooler

Why is everyone always saying that Gabby’s a bad mother? Why is this a running thread, a joke carried over several episodes? What, seriously, is wrong with Gabby’s parenting? I want some specifics here people.

Sure, she swears sometimes, but so does her husband. (If swearing makes you a bad parent, then I’m in big trouble.) She can be impatient, as can her husband. (Ditto with me and a lack of patience.) She might be a little liberal with letting her kids play on their own around the house and get into mischief – like last week’s sledding down the stairs incident – but that just means she’s got a “Free-Range Kids” point of view on parenting and doesn’t think she should hover over her kids. Last week, when the man who promised to have a monkey perform at Juanita’s birthday party tried to renege on his agreement to play the party, Gabby didn’t want her daughter disappointed so she insisted that the monkey perform even though his owner said the animal was tired. Is that Gabby’s fault that the monkey went nutty on the clown, or is the monkey’s handler’s fault? The world, apparently, is blaming the mom on this one.

Yet the theme “Gabby’s a bad parent” is omnipresent, including in the latest episode where, when 7-year-old Juanita couldn’t pronounce the word “persecuted” during her elementary school’s Thanksgiving play and the girl then dropped the f-bomb while on stage. From the dictator principal’s point of view, the onus for Juanita’s use of blue language fell squarely onto Gabby’s shoulders, not on BOTH Gabby and Carlos. “If you want to assign blame, you might want to look at your dubious parenting skills,” the principal said. In response, Gabby dropped some f-bombs of her own and said she was withdrawing Juanita from the school, hence her unwilling foray into the world of homeschoolers when she and Carlos learned all the area private schools had no openings until the next school year.

Now I’ll give you that Gabby’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer (“The Soviet Union broke up?”) and is ill prepared to homeschool her daughter -- plus she shouldn’t be seeking affirmation of the quality of her parenting skills from her 7-year-old -- but she’s not a BAD mother. Jeez.

T-Scav’s On the Case . . . Or Not

Tom Scavo going by T-Scav, bringing home drunken puking college peeps, buying them kegs of beer and promising to get them pancakes following a “cut-throat game of beer pong?” Were these pieces of evidence pointing to a mid-life crisis? Nope, just a middle-aged man cutting corners in college (bribing the students who obtain the answers to the statistics exams) so he can get his degree and thrive in a new career to help support his growing family of soon-to-be six kids.

I’m kind of ambivalent about the whole Tom-is-cheating-in-statistics storyline, though I did take distinct umbrage to his likening Lynette not revealing her pregnancy to her boss to his cheating on exams. Lynette’s job is crucial to the family’s economic survival in a recession, which I suppose could be argued about Tom’s career. But Lynette’s situation isn’t comparable because pregnancy discrimination is a serious thing that happens to women, penalizes them for being pregnant when being pregnant isn't a bad, unethical thing, unlike knowingly cheating on tests when you've booted your studies.

Bree’s an Idiot

The facts: Carl Mayer cheated on his first wife, broke her heart, stole items he’d given her as meaningful gifts and later blamed her for “losing them,” urges his clients to break the law, openly ogles women’s breasts in front of his girlfriend, parks in handicapped parking spots without concern and re-gifted a supposedly cherished family heirloom with a lame line. So why in the world would Bree risk her friendship with Susan Mayer, risk her own heart with a proven cheater and thief and soil her reputation in Fairview? For good sex?

Please Knock It Off W/the Gal-on-Gal Tousles

Someone at Desperate Housewives must’ve received some kind of network memo that says, “Have more scantily clad chicks fighting. It’s great for ratings. The more cat fights, the better. Be sure to show cleavage.” Only such ugly cynicism could be behind the repeated scuffles between Katherine and other Wisteria Lane women: Fisticuffs which end with lingerie-clad Susan and Katherine wet and thrashing about in a bubble bath, Susan accidentally shooting Katherine in the arm while Katherine was wearing short shorts at the time and Katherine wrestling with Bree in a fully decorated wedding reception hall while they’re both wearing attractive dresses (which have been getting more and more revealing as the season has progressed).

Katherine’s become unhinged because the man she loves has returned to his ex-wife. She’s miserable. She’s angry. She’s heartbroken. WE GET IT. I had an inkling of hope that, like Katherine, the writers were going to finally “take the high road” and have Katherine be conniving and manipulative and smart about how she’s going exact her revenge on Susan and get Mike back. The whole you-should-have-me-over-for-brunch-so-I-don’t-sue-you bit was mildly amusing. But when she called Mike late at night, dressed in a nightie and sexed up her boudoir with candles, rose petals and champagne and then fought with Susan in the tub, I felt as though adolescent boys had started writing the scripts, trying to see how much humiliation with a twist of sex appeal they can create.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about “Don’t Walk on the Grass.” Do you think Gabby’s a “bad mom?” Is Bree being foolish? What do you think about Katherine impersonating a WWF wrestler?

Image credit: Ton Tom/ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Season Finale

* Warning, spoilers from the Desperate Housewives season finale ahead. *

Three plot twists stood out among the pack in the DH finale:

1. Susan, Mike, MJ & the murderous Dave . . . plus Delfino nuptials.

If Mike Delfino married anyone OTHER than Susan Mayer -- two months after attempting to heroically save her and their son from the homicidal nutcase Dave Williams/Dash -- then I would be surprised, shocked even, which would be nice, but not in a Grey's Anatomy shocked kind of way. (I'll rant about GA's manipulative finale in a separate post.)

But let's face it, if Mike married someone else -- two months after planning to hop a plane to Vegas to marry Katherine Mayfair -- then the writers will have a lotta 'splainin' to do. I'd be hard pressed to come up with a plausible scenario for Mike marrying anyone who isn't Susan. They've already jerked this couple around enough since season one. Last year's season finale took the new mom Susan, who was happily married to Mike, and flashed forward five years to show Susan kissing another man. During the summer before this fifth season began, everyone speculated about what that scene meant, only to learn that Susan and Mike had divorced in the wake of a traumatic car accident which left a mom and her young child dead.

To have Mike not marry Susan this time around, after all the nonsense with Edie in season three then putting them together and breaking them apart for the second time, would be absurd, particularly because the writers have made it clear that they still love one another and, had it not been for that accident, they'd still be together. Dave remarked that bringing Mike, Susan and MJ to the location where his wife and child died would be poetic. And it truly was if the writers used it -- the location of the incident that ultimately separated Mike and Susan -- to bring the couple back together and make the family whole again.

As for Katherine, well, she's just poor, pathetic Katherine sitting alone in the airport clutching two coffees and looking bewildered, someone who I wished had been more confident in her own value, intellect, success and attractiveness. If she was so afraid that the man who moved in with her and proposed marriage didn't really love her, that she needed to keep him away from his ex-wife lest he flee into his ex's arms, then she already knew, deep down inside, that he was not the right man for her. Hopefully Katherine will be given something more useful to do in season six other than moping around and making moony eyes.

2. Lynette is pregnant with babies five and six just as Tom's getting ready to go back to school to learn Mandarin Chinese.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that Tom Scavo found something about which to be excited, other than his bad garage band or his mid-life crisis mobile that he had to sell. Going back to college was a great idea, and it was completely in character how Lynette responded to his initially ambiguous plan. "Okay," I thought, "they're onto something with the Scavos here. 'Bout time."

Then came news of Lynette's twins pregnancy. Are the writers seeking to reboot the Scavos' story, to move the family back to square one from the first season, and if so, will they have learned anything about balancing work and family? I could be on board with an "oops" pregnancy as long as it's not simply a rehash of previously trod territory.

3. The Solises take in Carlos' teenaged niece, in a story that feels like we've previously seen on DH.

Of the big developments in the finale, this one seemed odd. Haven't we already seen this storyline before, albeit with slightly different twists? This reminded me of the fall-out after Tom's eldest daughter Kayla (conceived pre-Lynette with a former gal pal of Tom's) needed to be taken in after her loony mother Nora was killed. The scheming daughter came between Lynette and Tom, manipulated Lynette to get what she wanted, goaded her and pouted in front of Tom until Lynette became so wild with frustration that she convinced Tom that, for the sake of their family, Kayla had to be sent away. After Kayla called child care workers on Lynette, Tom agreed.

Is that what they have in mind for the Solises? Having Carlos' niece Anna goad Gabby and manipulate people into getting her way until Gabby says that, for the sake of the Solis family, Carlos has to send Anna to live with another relative? Anna seems like simply an older version of Kayla, only she's learned how to use her sex appeal to get boys to do her bidding and give her designer duds. She also knows how to make Gabby crazy.

This can go nowhere good. And I must say, I'm not a fan of the girl-as-manipulator storyline being repeated. It also will do nothing positive for Gabby's character, who's at her most unlikeable when she locks horns with another female regarding control over a man, in this case, Carlos.

(I've decided against addressing the Bree Van de Kamp Hodge/Orson Hodge story because I think it's silly.)

Overall, I did like this Desperate Housewives finale. I genuinely wondered whether they'd go so far as to have Dave kill MJ (which would've been really brutal) or harm Susan. Flashing forward two months to show Mike marrying a thickly veiled woman without revealing her face was a clever move, even if it simply cannot be anyone other than Susan.

Your thoughts on the finale? Did it meet your expectations?

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Marry Me a Little

This was a much better Desperate Housewives episode than the recent lot of 'em, the ridiculousness of Bree breaking into her own home with Karl the snake notwithstanding.

The whole Tom Scavo STILL having a mid-life crisis story this week featured a new, interesting twist by having him, a man, worry about how his middle-aged looks would affect his potential employment opportunities. (That whole bit about Tom not knowing what Twitter was said more about Tom's connectedness with new marketing tools than the lines on his face.) The twist afforded us the chance to enjoy that great late night kitchen scene where Lynette tenderly traced the wrinkles on Tom's face and said they each told a story from their marriage, that his face was a map of their lives together. It brought a tear to my eye, even though I, like Lynette, wouldn't want someone to use my face to tell my life's story.

I also appreciated the Gabby story which contrasted her spending gobs of money on a crystal vase and pricey fabrics, with the fact that a friend of hers, who used to serve food on Tiffany china, was now in a soup line after she lost everything to pay for her dead husband's medical bills. (Gabby didn't even know the woman's husband had died.) It was the first time in a while that Gabby has mentioned or acknowledged that, not too long ago, she was doing whatever she could to keep her house and take care of her family, something the show's writers seem fond of ignoring. I'd love to see this angle pursued with more vigor, with Gabby's classic sardonic comments of course. Totally unrelated: What's up with her non-speaking younger daughter? We only ever hear about Juanita.

Those two bright spots outshone the dim ones, the aforementioned Bree-Orson situation and the now tiresome Dave Williams-is-out-for-evil-revenge story which promises to come its apex during the season finale on Sunday. (*fingers crossed*) I'm not sure where I sit on the Susan-Mike-Katherine love triangle front. I could take it or leave it.

As for the season finale, here's what I'm hoping for: Something resembling a decent plotline for the Scavos (kind of like a parting gift for the crappy season the actors have been given), Dave to depart Wisteria Lane (preferably in a straight jacket), Bree to just have Orson seen by a psychologist and for the Solises to resemble a family again.

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: The Story of Lucie and Jessie

So Desperate Housewives last night glossed over the absurdity that was the battle between the depressed Tom Scavo and his wife Lynette after their family pizzeria went belly-up over who should seek a PR/marketing job in order to support their family of four. They just pretended that the whole Tom-guzzling-the-beer-on-the-front-lawn-in-his-bathrobe never happened.

Okay. I'll go along with this just as long as we can pretend that the Lynette of the past two seasons never really happened. If the Lynette character can regain her previous mojo, I'm willing to forget the bad years. Whaddya say DH writers?

But the Orson-is-a-kleptomaniac storyline? I liked him better as a sad little sack of a husband trying to redeem himself after doing time in the Big House. I preferred the middle-of-the-road Orson to the creepy Orson from last season or this new disturbed Orson. What is it with Bree Van de Kamp Hodge that she attracts nuts, like the killer pharmacist and now Orson, who nearly killed Mike Delfino when he intentionally ran him down and has now resorting to stealing things from his neighbor to keep his control freak of a wife unhinged?



Speaking of crazy, please tell me that I didn't witness the foreshadowing of Katherine Mayfair's murder at the hand of Dave Williams on the camping trip? (It was about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the forehead. However if the writers DON'T go down this road, I'll be pleasantly surprised.)

And, I feel compelled to comment on the much ballyhooed gal-on-gal kiss between Gabby Solis and Susan Mayer. What a publicity stunt. A cheap, disingenuous one at that. It reminded me of the misleading promo ABC ran for Brothers & Sisters when they claimed that during the show's two-hour extravaganza would feature a shocking death. That was technically correct, if you go to the Bill Clinton school of what constitutes the truth. Rob Lowe's character Robert McCallister did flatline during a heart attack, but he was revived in the Emergency Room. I felt totally sandbagged again by ABC last night. I think the DH writers are done a disservice by such disingenuous ABC promotions, using the "I Kissed a Girl" tune. . . maybe they need to hire Lynette.

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Crime Doesn't Pay

The Desperate Housewives crew was back last night after a brief hiatus. The results were mixed.

The Scavos, once the highlight of my TV week, continue to disappoint. Sure Tom and Lynette had to close their family pizzeria amid a tanking economy and the scandal brought on by their no-good teenaged son who was accused of burning down his married lover's husband's nightclub. And now Tom is depressed. He's actually a cartoon character of depression, drinking beer while in his bathrobe, on the front lawn. It was left to Lynette to be pragmatic and take care of the family. Only, here's the thing: Why did Lynette spend so much time trying to get Tom a job when he clearly was in no position to handle the task? Why didn't she, a very experienced and well regarded professional, just get one herself a job and let Tom come to terms with the loss of the pizzeria?

The whole dinner at Bree's -- where Bree was trying to set Tom up to get a job with her PR guy who was looking for a new hire -- was preposterous, even by DH standards. Tom acted like a petulant child, pouting and carrying on, providing flip, clipped answers to a man who was trying to shove a lifeline into his hands. And Tom blew it, at a time when neither he nor his wife had a paying job. Lynette, seeing that Tom wasn't going for the job, made herself a viable alternative, tried to position herself for the post. Instead of continuing to sulk, Tom decided, "Well hey now! Can't have HER getting the job I don't want. Why don't I ruin her chance of getting this job too so we can both drink beer in the front yard while wearing our bathrobes?"

Lynette USED to be a strong character, so why the emphasis on babying Tom's fragile male ego? It was THEIR family business that ended, something for which Lynette sacrificed her high paying career. Why treat Tom like a hothouse flower who needs extra care and attention?

To later see Tom and Lynette laughing in their kitchen -- after Lynette told Bree's PR guy Tom had been fired and Tom said he hoped Lynette's cancer didn't flare up again while she were working for a new company -- that didn't resonate. Not at all. Sure, Tom and Lynette are screwed up, but for parents with four children to feed, clothe and house, this seemed ridiculous.

In other Wisteria Lane news . . . so Gabby did the right thing, demonstrated that she has a heart and chose to kind of come clean (actually she just refused to keep lying) about the fact that Carlos' boss was cheating on his pregnant wife, even if it did cost Carlos his six-figure job and hefty bonus. She's not the Grinch; we knew Gabby already had a heart. This was no big surprise. I want the paunchy, regular Gabby back, pretty please. She had more spunk. And no, I don't care if Carlos' boss' wife stuck a knife in the boss' back.

What DID I like about the recent episode? Surprisingly, I found Susan Mayer to be exceptionally gracious as her ex-husband moved in with Katherine Mayfair across the street from her, even if Susan did go rooting around Katherine's garage to prove that Katherine was a liar. I feel badly for Susan, not Katherine. Susan -- who'd been betrayed and humiliated by her first husband when he cheated on her -- lost her second husband's heart the moment they were involved in a fatal car accident which killed Dave Williams' wife and son (whose last names were Dash). Mike and Susan divorced because the guilt was too much. For Mike. Susan tried to save their relationship but he was unwilling to do so. Now Susan is the one who has to try to tiptoe around Katherine? I think not.

Which brings me to my last beef . . . Gabby and Susan kissing, as has been widely reported, as well as teased in the preview for next week's episode featuring the "I Kissed a Girl" excerpt, irritates me greatly. It's such a cheap and naked ratings ploy, no matter how it's written into the storyline. Desperate Housewives is consistently a top 10 show. They don't need a ploy.

Your thoughts on the recent Desperate Housewives' episode and the Susan-Gabby kiss they're heavily promoting?

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: There's Always a Woman

Poor Lynette Scavo.

At least once a season, it seems, Lynette suspects her husband Tom is having an affair, or is having some sort of relationship-altering break-down. Remember that wretched Nora character a few years ago, who was killed during the made-for-sweeps-week grocery store shooting, who'd had a relationship with Tom that pre-dated Lynette and yielded a child named Kayla? Lynette, who'd initially suspected Tom of going to back his old flame, had to then suffer under the torment of Kayla, until Tom finally agreed with Lynette that the girl was troubled and needed to be sent away. (During that same time-frame, Lynette almost had an affair with a Scavos' employee.)

Over the past few episodes of this fifth season of Desperate Housewives, Tom started a garage band, bought an expensive mid-life-crisis mobile, wanted to sell the family restaurant (for which Lynette left her ad exec job to help him run) in order to take a year-long RV tour, and then signed a lease without consulting Lynette for space for his crappy mid-life-crisis band. The latest episode portrayed Tom acting even more immaturely by hiding out from Lynette -- leaving her with restaurant work and parenting to do all on her own -- and playing video games at the band's playing space until the wee hours of the morning.

Throughout the show, it was suggested that Tom was up to more than simply being a childish idiot, particularly when he spied a condom wrapper on the floor of his band's practice space and hid it from Lynette. It was only at the tail-end of the episode that viewers learned that one of Tom and Lynette's teenaged sons was having an affair with a woman old enough to be his mother. But because Tom's been lying and sneaking around, Lynette thinks it's Tom having the affair.

It's enough to make you feel utter fatigue for Lynette, formerly my favorite character on TV. We've been down the I-don't-trust-Tom road before. That's so season two. While the teenage son having an affair with an older woman is a different twist for the Scavos (thought May-December trysts have been done in season one with Gabby and the gardener, and with Danielle Van de Kamp and her high school teacher), I'm growing weary of seeing Lynette jumping to conclusions and having to go through the same, old tired arguments with Tom.

What I did find fresh and new in the latest episode was the Gabby & Carlos Solis story, where Carlos inadvertently gave a rich older client Virginia Hildebrand (played by Six Feet Under's Frances Conroy) an orgasm when he massaged her back. This led to Virginia offering Carlos $50,000/month to accompany her to Europe for a few months. With giant dollar signs in her eyes, Gabby was initially on board with this arrangement . . . until she learned about the orgasm. Her ire was cooled, however, when Virginia offered to take Gabby and the girls to Europe as well, and to pay off Gabby with couture.

This has snappy satire written all over it. The character with the funniest story arc and wittiest lines, by far, is Eva Longoria Parker's Gabby. Neal McDonough's Dave Williams, as Edie Britt's husband, has also added some much-needed spark to Wisteria Lane with his character's mysterious backstory and odd antagonism with Karen McCluskey.

As for the other stories this week -- Susan Mayer's on/off affair with the goofy painter and Katherine Mayfair's fling with the ex-con organ thief -- eh, I'm not too interested. I want more Gabby, more Dave and more authentic Lynette (say, from season one and early season two).

Thoughts on the Lynette-Tom tension? Is it a tired storyline? What's ahead for Gabby and Carlos as they enter into business with Virginia?

Image credit: ABC.