'Desperate' Monday: You Gotta Get a Gimmick

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.*

I’m still angry with Carlos and Gabby. Sorry. Can’t help it. A 60-inch plasma TV, paying Lynette a salary during the remainder of her pregnancy and for her six-week maternity leave, offering Lynette her job back and then allowing Tom to temporarily assume the post in her absence, none of it, in my opinion, takes the raging narcissists off the hook for their wretched, discriminatory behavior. You don’t treat a friend like that and push her growing family into possible financial ruin. It shouldn’t take that friend having to save your child’s life to suddenly make you see the light of how wrong you were and expect all the viewers to just forget about it with a shoulder shrug.

I know, I know, it's Desperate Housewives, what do I expect? But I guess I made the mistake of expecting a bit more . . . I can’t just switch off my irritation and just be okay with the Solises and sympathize with Gabby’s impoverished childhood and her estrangement from her Mexican heritage. I can’t make myself care about where Juanita goes to school and how many Latinas live (or don’t live) in her neighborhood.

This is one of the things that irritates me about Desperate Housewives. The writers’ll ratchet up all this tension and angst and then *poof* all of it is forgotten and we’re supposed to just move on. At least with the Bree-Orson situation they’re not just having the estranged couple simply get past Bree’s affair and Orson’s extortion in mere days, instead, they’re reverting back to their behavior from last season when Orson was punishing Bree for paying more attention to her flourishing career than to him by forcing her to stay up late and make him a pot roast.

Even the Lynette and Tom argument over what Lynette would/should do after she has the baby was retracing old terrain. The whole should-she-stay-home-or-shouldn’t-she debate has been done to death already. Seeing Tom come home, beaming, after a successful day of work while Lynette’s been at home doing something as exciting as peeing “twice in every bathroom in the house,” brought us smack dab back to the days when Lynette was miserable being an at-home mom who felt backed into a corner by her maternity and her husband.

The only moment of freshness was the Susan Mayer Delfino-strip club storyline where Susan pole danced to make a point, which I found amusing given that it was only last week that Susan was in a fat suit. The scene where Mike acknowledged Susan had a point about his frequenting strip clubs and he so adamantly didn’t want her to take her top off that he covered her with his jacket and swept her up in his arms a la An Officer and a Gentleman, was the most entertaining moment of the entire episode.

What do you think Housewives fans, can you forgive Carlos and Gabby? What did you think of the new episode, “You Gotta Get a Gimmick?”

Image credit: Ron Tom/ABC.

'Desperate Housewives' Playing Pregnancy Discrimination for Laughs

As I've been reviewing episodes of Desperate Housewives this season, I've become increasingly appalled by the Lynette Scavo/Carlos Solis plotline.

In a nutshell: Lynette, a mom of four, accidentally got pregnant and was planning to tell her boss Carlos -- her longtime friend and neighbor -- about her pregnancy. But before she could inform him, he told her he'd just passed over a talented woman for a promotion because she was pregnant and instead offered the post to Lynette, a job which would double her salary, as she's the sole breadwinner of her family of six, about to become a family of eight (she's having twins and her husband has gone back to college). She opted not to tell Carlos right away, but to make arrangements for her departure by training a (temporary) replacement and by landing a big account. However Carlos found out before Lynette was ready to tell him and pushed her out of the job, treating her as a betrayer of trust whose pregnancy had hurt his business. Then Lynette sued.

The story seems super-serious for the dramedy Desperate Housewives but has been played for laughs. For example, when Lynette's breasts swelled at the beginning of her pregnancy, Carlos thought she had gotten implants and urged her to show off her cleavage with a sexy, revealing dress (which he paid for) in an attempt to lure a male client. And now that Lynette is suing Carlos, his wife Gabby isn't speaking to Lynette and is, in fact treating her wretchedly, calling Lynette an "awful person" who let Carlos down by getting pregnant.



My column on Mommy Track this week centers on this storyline and, once you put aside the typical Wisteria Lane melodrama, asks what a woman in Lynette's situation is supposed to do.

What would you do in this situation?

'Desperate' Monday: Would I Think of Suicide?

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.*

In short order, the Desperate Housewives’ writers have transformed the Solises into a remarkably unlikeable and wildly self-centered couple who’ve progressed not a bit since season one. Why on earth did they do this? Why did they take Gabby and Carlos -- whom they spent much of last year building into a warm, down-to-earth couple – go down this road?

Over the Thanksgiving holiday week, I had the chance to see a bit of last season’s Desperate Housewives episodes on TV in the days when Gabby and Carlos were actually human beings with blood running through their veins: Carlos was resisting going back to a high-pressured job. When he started working crazy hours and came home from work grumpy and tired all the time, Gabby had pleaded with him not to go back “there,” to the time when she was the bored housewife who was ignored by her calloused and uncaring husband who cared more about his business’ bottom line than his wife.

Given what happened last season, it's been painful to watch the jack ass they’ve made of Carlos this season, telling Lynette to take a Florida transfer or face termination, moving Lynette’s office to a teeny supply closet and giving her 48 hours of work to complete an assignment in less than 24 hours (insisting that Lynette miss her daughter’s Christmas play) knowing there was no way she could finish it within the timeframe, giving him the perfect excuse to fire her.

Then there was Gabby, who accused Lynette of “lying” about her pregnancy when, in fact, she simply didn’t inform her of the pregnancy . She believed Lynette should’ve put Carlos’ business and the Solises’ bottom line ahead of Lynette’s own family, her family’s bottom line and the lives of the twins she’s carrying. Though she made a soft pitch to Carlos to let up on Lynette a little, once she learned that Lynette was suing Carlos for discrimination, Gabby acted as though LYNETTE was the one who wounded the friendship.

Why did the writers make the Solises such bad guys? Who out there is actually going to be rooting for them now, as they've tortured Lynette, knowing full well she’s her growing family’s only breadwinner, and then fired her? I don’t see a way for the writers to make them empathetic parents again. I just want to see them pay. And suffer.

Then there’s the transformation of Katherine Mayfair into Glenn Close’s character from Fatal Attraction. All that’s been missing is a boiling bunny on the stove. After harassing Susan Mayer and making her life hell, Katherine has set her sights on Susan and Mike Delfino’s son MJ, filling his head with criticisms of his mother (whom Katherine told him was “a bad person” and “stole” Mike from Katherine). After being told in no uncertain terms by Mike to stay away from MJ, she took the Glenn Close step of picking MJ up from a birthday party. When Mike confronted Katherine, as she knew he would, she took a knife which Mike’d handled, and stabbed herself with it.

I keep waiting for her to say that she’s pregnant with Mike’s baby. If only MJ had a pet rabbit. Seriously, we've entered Sillyville now.

What do you think about the conversion of Carlos and Gabby into evil cardboard characters? About Katherine pulling a Fatal Attraction?

Image credit: Ron Tom/ABC.

'Desperate' Monday: The Coffee Cup

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.*

I was really, really ticked off after watching the latest Desperate Housewives episode, “The Coffee Cup.” Why? I couldn’t stop thinking about the treatment of Lynette Scavo by her so-called friends and neighbors Carlos and Gabby Solis because they learned that a working mother had the temerity to get pregnant and not terminate the pregnancy for their convenience. How selfish of Lynette, getting pregnant and not putting Carlos’ business deals first.

Lynette got pregnant – with twins no less – by accident, which, last time I checked, was not illegal and does not make you a horrendous employee, particularly when Lynette fully intended to go back to work after giving birth because she’s the only adult drawing a paycheck in her house, with her husband Tom re-living his college days.

Several weeks ago, Lynette was going to tell Carlos that she was pregnant, soon after she herself figured it out. But before she could tell him, Carlos started openly bragging to Lynette that he’d passed over another female employee for a promotion because she was pregnant. He – a man with two daughters cared for his at-home wife -- decided to give the promotion to Lynette. The new promotion would include a big pay bump, which Lynette, with her growing baby bump, desperately needed. Sure, Lynette could’ve come clean with Carlos anyway, given that he’d just admitted to discriminating against another employee because she’s pregnant and he’d have been put in a tenuous situation. But she didn’t. She needed the money.

During last night’s episode, Gabby found out that Lynette is four months pregnant. Did Gabby talk to her friend about the pregnancy and how Lynette and Tom feel about it? Even bother to learn that Lynette was unhappy at first with the news and contemplated ending the pregnancy?

Nope.

Instead, Gabby – the professional housewife who has no qualms about screwing with other people’s lives so she can spend her days shopping instead of home schooling -- stormed out of Lynette’s house, angry that Lynette “let Carlos down,” that Lynette wasn’t acting like a dedicated employee.

Carlos, in turn, morphed into the calloused piece of granite he was in season one: Telling Lynette she can either take the transfer he's offering her and move to Florida or quit, knowing full well she can’t take the transfer and that she's the only Scavo adult with a full-time job. This is how you treat a neighbor, as if Lynette planned the whole thing to screw Carlos over when, in reality, she was making arrangements to make sure Carlos would have adequate coverage for her three-month maternity leave, for which Carlos is required to give her by law?

Since last season, Desperate Housewives writers seemed interested in softening up Gabby and Carlos, bringing them down to earth, giving them feet of clay, turning Gabby into a “regular” mom and Carlos into a man who put his family ahead of other things, like opulent consumerism and cut-throat deal-making. (Remember when he wanted to work for a non-profit to help the blind? When he was an at-home dad? I liked that guy.)

Now the writers have entered a time-warp. The Solises are being portrayed as a heartless, selfish, craven jerks who care nothing for a family with whom they’ve been friends for years, acting as though Lynette’s pregnancy is something that was “done” to them, as if they have any say in the Scavos’ reproductive decisions.

I don’t know if there’s any turning back from this development, if indeed the writers have the Solis’ go forward with firing Lynette because she’s pregnant. It’s definitely ticked me off . . . more so than the incredibly lame story about Nick Bolen choking some nameless girl in a coffee shop and that he likely choked Julie Mayer. So don’t care about that.

Image credit: Ron Tom/ABC.

'Desperate' Monday: The God-Why-Don't-You-Love-Me Blues

*Warning, spoilers ahead from the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.*

Okay, what have they done with the Carlos Solis character which the show carefully cultivated over the past few seasons, the one who was caring andloving, a full-fledged human, not a stock character from Mad Men’s Sterling Cooper? The one who became worthy of the love and devotion of his wife and two daughters, the one who wanted to work for the blind and didn’t care about money until Gabby forced him into taking a six-figure job? He’s now an unrecognizable sexist meathead who’s not only willing to pass over a talented woman for a promotion because she’s pregnant (Remember the days when children and family were important to Carlos? When he was actively trying to knock Gabby up?), openly tell Lynette about how he didn’t want to promote a pregnant woman, then use what he perceives as Lynette’s surgically enhanced breasts to seal a business deal.

The guy who last season wanted to devote his life to the basics of love and family, is now uttering such lines as, “Why did you get those things if you don’t want people looking at them?”

He even told Lynette to buy a dress that would reveal her cleavage to two men with whom he’d arranged dinner, and then encouraged her to take off her coat. When Lynette said it was too chilly in the room to remove her jacket, Carlos then, unbelievably told HIS EMPLOYEE that it’d be even better for their chances of securing the deal if it was cold when Lynette revealed her boobs.

I now HATE Carlos (as I’m supposed to, I guess). And that pains me because I didn’t hate him last season. Now he’s a Neanderthal again and the inconsistency of all of this is driving me crazy.


Of course the storyline is building up for the big reveal, when Carlos finds out Lynette’s pregnant with twins. What will happen? Will he fire Lynette? Demote her? Will she then sue for gender discrimination? How low will they have Carlos go?

That’s what made the scenes with Gabby and John, then later with Gabby and Carlos (when she told him that while she’d never imagine this would be her life, she loves it, unlike Betty Draper) lose their power. The writers can’t have it both ways, that Carlos is a sweet, doting family man on the one hand, and on the other, he’s a sexist pig who’s wildly discriminating against women and making them use their breasts to land business deals . . . not after turning him into a kind, down-to-earth character last year. I, frankly, was unmoved by Gabby’s declaration of love for Carlos knowing that Carlos had just pimped out Lynette’s breasts. Carlos is not Don Draper, with whom viewers can have a love/hate relationship.

The big twist of the episode, of course, was that Julie Mayer woke up from her coma (She was only in a coma for five days? Boy did that seem longer!) only to discover that her mother Susan knows that she dropped out of med school six months ago, now works as a waitress and is/was dating a married man whose first name started with the initial “D” whose baby Julie had been worried she was carrying, though she’s not pregnant. Then, at the end, we learned that Nick Bolen’s real name is Dominic and that he was/is Julie’s lover. Even though I really hate the Bolen family, especially the Danny subplot (I could care less about him), mixing it up with an apparently loon like Angie could be provocative to say the least. Maybe Angie and Katherine could team up to rumble with the Mayer women. Sounds like something Desperate Housewives writers might consider for sweeps week.

Speaking of provocative . . . I found Susan’s line to Julie when she expressed her shock that Julie, of all people, would have an affair with a married man who has a family, poignant, “You know what an affair like this can do. You saw it firsthand.”


What did you think of this episode? What do you think of the Carlos-Lynette work situation?

Image credit: Ron Tom/ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: Home is the Place

The gals of Wisteria Lane are back from their Christmas hiatus. And back they're back with a . . . whimper. A pathetic whimper.

Seriously, I was sorely disappointed with the fresh episode of Desperate Housewives.

Gabby and Carlos Solis, the comedic shining stars of the show's fifth season were, eh, not a good sign. Now that Carlos has regained his sight, are the writers really going to have the characters slip back into their old ways , returning Gabby to her shallowly materialistic former self? What I've adored about Eva Longoria Parker's character this season is that she's developed a sarcastic, witty sharpness as she awkwardly tossed herself into a new way of life, one not marked by glamour and opulence, but by caregiving. Who knew she had it in her?

By having Gabby pressure Carlos into taking a six-figure job he despised -- he wanted to work at the low-paying community center helping the blind -- and punctuating that decision by having her place shiny, gold shoes into her giant closet, I felt as though the character was going backwards to a time and place when her story was among the least compelling of the Housewives, or minimally tied with Susan Mayer's.

And poor Bree Van de Kamp Hodge was reduced to a caricature of a controlling in-law-to-be -- adding not a hint of irony nor insight into her character -- by engaging in a competition with the nut job mother of her son Andrew's fiance. Buying a house in her pricey neighborhood in order to keep her son in town and away from the loony mother-in-law? And savvy Andrew, who knows his mother all too well, didn't see through it? Come on people, you can do better than this.

The bottom of the barrel, as far as the latest episode was concerned, was Susan's story. The writers appear to be laying the groundwork for having her break up with her lame painter boyfriend (the actor playing him -- Gale Harold -- had a very serious motorcycle accident in October). Susan went clubbing with her neighbor at a gay bar and then, many, many drinks later, fail to recall whether she slept with him. (She didn't and he returned the following day to the home he shares with his partner next door.)

No, wait, I take that back. Susan's clubbing wasn't the absolute worst part of the new episode. That honor belongs to the sad, sad Scavos. Are we really supposed to believe that Lynette Scavo was going to intentionally run down the man who had threatened her son, going all Orson Hodge on him? (Yes, we've already seen someone vindictively run over someone with a motor vehicle in a previous season.)Even if Lynette was simply acting as though she'd kill the husband of her teenaged son's lover in order to coax the teen's location out of his brother, this story is growing more and more absurd. At this point, I have no interest in what happens to the Scavos.

The new year is not off to a roaring start.

Interesting tidbit: Anyone notice that a second Six Feet Under alum appeared in Desperate Housewives this season?

Image credit: ABC.

'Desperate' Mondays: A Vision's Just a Vision

Lynette Scavo and the Scavo family, they're dead to me. The places their storyline is heading no longer hold interest for me. It's not even campy nor does it provide any form of satire. So onto the brighter spots from the last episode of Desperate Housewives:

Carlos Solis has now regained his sight and, in latest episode, could clearly see for the first time in five years how much Gabby has sacrificed for her family, her couture clothing, her $700 shoes, her fine art and pricey possessions. While that may not seem like a big sacrifice in today's climate of losing 533,000 jobs in the month of November, but in terms of Gabby's character giving up everything that meant so much to her -- her beauty, her fashion, her dignity (dancing atop a table in order to get back Carlos' prized Lou Gehrig baseball) -- for her daughters and husband, was a sign of her evolution.

In keeping with her character, I hope that Gabby doesn't return the gorgeous dress Carlos bought for her in recognition of her sacrifices, even though most people in her position (and economic situation) would.

While I continue to despise the Mike Delfino/Katherine Mayfair pairing, I do like the twist the writers put on it this week, showing the impact of their budding relationship through the eyes of MJ, Mike and Susan Mayer's young son. There has always been a lot of bed hopping on Wisteria Lane, but precious little attention has been paid to how that affects the kids of the bed hoppers. Seeing MJ act out -- throwing ice cream sundaes and bowling balls at Katherine -- rang true.

Bree Van de Kamp Hodge continues to surprise me this season. Her reaction to her son Andrew's engagement to a male plastic surgeon (who once did a porn flick to help pay for law school) also showed her character not simply evolving, but staying true to who she's been over the past seasons. The image of Bree in an adult video store: Priceless, without even having to be shown on screen.

Kudos to the writers for the big reveal at the end at the grave site. Dave's character is definitely growing on me, even though his storyline is connected to the Scavos'.

Am I the only one who's really loathing the Scavo family story this season? Thoughts about the Delfino/Mayfair duo?

'Desperate' Mondays: Me and My Town

First some Desperate Housewives love.

I just adore this season's Gabby and Carlos Solis storyline. While still maintaining the characters' integrity (Gabby, while in a lower tax bracket, hasn't lost her lust for all things luxurious), the writers have allowed this couple to evolve and mature in ways that I think are thoroughly entertaining and ring true to who they are.

So when doctors said Carlos could have an operation which could give him his sight back after five years of blindness, it was a brilliant move to have Gabby freak out because she's gained weight after having two kids. (However I must say, that Gabby has the most realistic female form on the show these days and doesn't look heavy to me, as compared to the real women I see everyday. I was noticing last night that nearly every woman on this show now looks gaunt, even former Everymom, Felicity Huffman, who was lookin' scary gaunt.)

The best moment of the latest episode occurred when Gabby came clean and told Carlos she didn't want to let him down when he regained his vision because she'd put on some pounds. Carlos related a beautiful anecdote about how he first fell in love with Gabby during a dinner when she gorged on a plate of ribs, got barbecue sauce all over herself and belly-laughed when Carlos told her she was a mess. During that meal, he said, he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, listening to her laugh and live life with gusto. In true Gabby style, she replied to the romantic sentiment by saying that she only knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him after he related that story, "Up until then it was touch-and-go."

Perfect.

Now for the Desperate Housewives dissin'.

I really dislike the Katherine Mayfair/Mike Delfino story. Zippo chemistry. It's crystal clear that the pairing is just another in a series of road blocks standing in between the inevitable reconciliation of Susan Mayer and Mike. The Katherine character deserves more.

And as for my formerly favorite housewife, Lynette Scavo, she's in danger of becoming a cartoon character. What was once one of the sharpest characters on TV, Lynette is teetering on becoming unwatchable. The latest story about her teenaged son Porter who hooked up with a married mom (and did/didn't impregnate her, don't know if I believe the mom that she's not really pregnant, could be a ploy) who's now being suspected of starting a fire which killed seven, doesn't really move me one way or another. I feel like she was phoning it in.

I'd rather see more of Gabby and Carlos, or even Orson and Bree Van de Kamp Hodge. I was not a fan of Orson when he first appeared on Housewives, but I've warmed to him, and to how he plays off Bree, this season. They've delivered some funny scenes, particularly last night's drugged-up cooking session at the mall and the subsequent visit to the doctor's office. They're on a roll.

Now if only the rest of the Wisteria Lane folks could keep up with the Solises and Hodges . . . .

'Desperate' Mondays (A Tad Late): What More Do I Need

My apologies for the tardiness of this post. My brother and I just threw our mother a surprise birthday party and housed out-of-town guests over the weekend, so this suburban mom was a bit harried over the past few days. Now, onto the haps on Wisteria Lane . . .

Well my prediction that Lynette and Tom Scavo would undergo yet another test of their dedication to one another was quickly debunked at the very beginning of the seventh episode of this season's Desperate Housewives, as Tom told Lynette that he wasn't the one sleeping with the married mother of their teenaged son's best friend. It was their teenaged son Porter who was sleeping with his best friend's mother. (There's a pop song in here somewhere. Or maybe a gravelly country western ballad. Some variation on "Stacy's Mom" who's "got it goin' on.")

But, this being Desperate Housewives, the writers couldn't just marinate in the drama of an underaged kid having an affair with a married mom of a friend. They had to goose it up a bit, tossing into the mix the fact that the mom -- Anne Schilling, played by Gail O'Grady, whom I still see at the NYPD Blue office assistant -- has an abusive husband. Oh, and that she's pregnant. Lynette, who beat up Anne in a bathroom during a break from a PTA meeting -- doesn't yet know that she could potentially become a grandmom sooner than she thinks. Can't wait for that sudsy dramatic goodness to unfold.

Lynette had threatened Porter, telling him if he didn't break it off with Anne he'd be thrown out of the house. Being the good seed that he is, Porter blew off his mother's dictate and went to see Anne anyway. Plans are in the works for the two of them to run away together. What is it with all the teens on Wisteria Lane? In the past several seasons, there's been some serious acting out. Bree Van de Kamp's daughter Danielle got knocked up by her high school teacher then got sent away while she waited out the pregnancy. Bree's son Andrew spent some time living on the streets after he was thrown out of the house. Julie Mayer, Susan's daughter, dated Edie Britt's beer-guzzling knucklehead of a nephew, against Susan's wishes. For such a tony suburban neighborhood, that's a whole lotta teen angst.

While we wait to find out how Marc Cherry & Co. try to concoct a different way to dramatize Lynette's head exploding, I'm interested to see what will happen next with Virginia Hildebrand, the rich client of Carlos Solis who had an orgasm during one of his massages when he was rubbing her back. Clearly lonely and Desperate Housewives' manipulative, Viriginia wanted Carlos as her personal masseuse and opened her estate up to the Solis family, let them use (and abuse) her waitstaff while the family lounged around by the pool, eat lobster and spend a weekend in luxury. (Tangential beef: Why are almost all the older women on this show portrayed as manipulative? There are no normal post-menopausal women on this show. They're all witches. I'm just sayin'.)

However the generosity Virginia exhibited started entering creepy territory when, during the first weekend the Solis family spent with her, she decided to dedicate a room to the Solis girls for when they sleep over there every weekend. Virginia also hopped into bed with Gabby and Carlos while they were watching a movie and later told the girls to call her "Grandma." Why did Gabby and Carlos put up with this odd behavior from "Grandma Nut Job," as Gabby called her? Ten thousand dead presidents were at stake. "We need that money," Carlos said, pleading with Gabby not to mouth off to Virginia, a walking ATM of a client.

The materialistic and frequently shallow Gabby -- who made one of Virginia's servants walk into the pool where Gabby was relaxing on a float in order to hand her a fresh margarita -- responded, "It's not worth it."

Gabby couldn't contain her disgust after the clingy Virginia showed up at the Solis home during a birthday party and said she would wait on the front porch until the party concluded before taking the girls out to buy a doll. Gabby snapped when Virginia wouldn't take, "No" for an answer. "We're not for sale, so back off," Gabby shouted. Spurned, Virginia went home and called the head of the country club which employs Carlos and told him that Carlos had touched her inappropriately during her last massage. Fun times ahead for the Solises.

In other storylines: Bree and Orson Hodge had an amusing story about sex in the test kitchen, which led to the revelation that Katherine Mayfair was also having sex in the test kitchen . . . with Mike Delfino. Oh, and Dave Williams is criminally insane, or so we've been led to believe.

What was your favorite or least favorite moment in the latest DH episode? Predictions (hopefully better than mine) for the Scavos and the Solises?

Image credit: ABC.